Living with Dissociative disorder

I have not really posted in quite a while.. I have been dealing with things that I do not usually talk about. More and more these days I wonder if anyone out there deals with the issues I deal with. There are times that I am not me. Sounds simple I think but its really not. There are times that I am missing whole periods of time. Sometimes I have been drinking and sometimes I have not been. I try to find the causes. Sometimes it is really wierd things like drinking wine. I can drink beer and get falling down drunk, remember it and go on. I drink wine and the night is lost from the second I sit down with the glass. There are more times that this happens, this just happens to be one that I can pinpoint where the others are still obscure.

It is sad, my husband he loves me but one night he recorded me when drinking wine. I listened to the recording. I could not find myself in it. I sounded like such a lost soul, so pitiful, I just wanted to hug the person on the tape and take away all the problems. In my real life its not so easy. It is hard to find a dr who can help me. Most have no experience, let alone expertise. I mainly end up treating myself. I feel lost and alone most times. I do take measures to stop the issues but I can stop drinking wine and the episodes do still happen. I think of having a baby all the time. I am afraid that I might have one and forget that I am a mother. I tried to explain that to my husband but he did not understand. I do not think he has ever woken up and wondered what he has done for the past several days or hours. This is something that has happened to me more than once. I hate it. I feel like I need to find out how to link the different mes.

How can I live my life and know that everything is ok when at anytime I could lose some hours and not remember what has happened? You can not possibly understand if you have never been in my place. There are many many times that are missing. Usually I just piece together the times but I am really afraid that I may have a child and forget that I am even a mother. That would be horrible and I can not be sure it will not happen unless I do not even have a baby. there are so many times that I hate to be me. I do not know if anyone else goes though these feelings. Is there any help for someone like me? Have you been here? are you better? can you help me? I am so lost right now.

I need some change..

We are moved into our new place. We still have to clean the old one and then comes the unpacking. I have my very own room for crafting and I have not made any thing in months. I had forgotten that I was going to do a craft show in Dec. I do not even have the crafts for it. I do not even think I want to do it anymore. Work and school take up so much of my time. I also do not feel like making things right now. The desire is gone. I dread the thought of making anything. I still have bags I forgot to send out. I must have them packed away somewhere. I only remembered because I got a message about them. I will find them soon im sure once the other place is clean and I have time to start unpacking. I have really screwed up a lot of stuff this last year. I am attempting to find some middle ground. I still want to disappear into the woods and say forget this world a lot. I have people I love. I have people I dont. I would miss my Chops. For now im staying. Random post I know. I have not updated in a while. I want to have something that is fun and light. I dont really have that right now so I do not update much. Im still around. I still care about my friends Im just not very good at being a friend. I am horrid at calling and almost as bad at replying to emails. I am just doing this now as a quick im alive, there are things happening, know that i care. *hugs* to all.

Some decisions about my health and life.. long

In thinking about my goals and what I want I have decided to make some major changes in my life. The first really big one is my meds. I have been on them for a long while now and they keep wanting to put me on more. To tell the truth sometimes I hurt so bad I want that too. Or sometimes I feel like I just cant keep it together on my own so I go along with it. I am just done with it. I am tired of holding on to old hurts and angers. I just want to let everything negative go. I know I have some illnesses. I know the meds help to a degree, but the side effects I think are as bad as the illnesses them selves at times. I am going off of them. I did a lot of research on them and though I have read this stuff before it was like I was reading it for the first time. I want to see what I am like with 6 months no meds or alcohol in my system.

I want to see if I am better able to be me that way. The drinking thats no biggie. The meds I have to go off slowly so I do not have really horrid side effects. Can you believe I did not realize you could have withdrawl symptoms from something that was not a narcotic? I have refused to take them because I didnt want to become addicted to a med only to find out/realize I am addicted to my meds and I didnt even know it. So I am just going off my meds slowly. I told Tom yesterday, he was a bit.. worried. He really wants to wait and talk to the doctors but im done with it already. I told him I will talk to them about it and I will but only to tell them im going off the meds. If they can recommend non med treatments those are fine.

Of coarse there is a big reason behind all of this. I want a baby. I am tired of getting my hopes up with adoption and surrogacy. If I stop taking all of my meds that is one worry gone. Though it does bring up others but they can be dealt with later. I figure if I can be ok for 6 months with out the meds I should be able to get pregnant with out them because taking them during pregnancy is not an option. Another concern is my body. It of course is its own fun junkyard full of broken pieces and parts that dont want to work. It will have to not only work, but it will have to do it with out the help of meds. So I am getting back into my yoga practice and going to start getting back into the best shape I can to prepare for that time.

I am done waiting for my life. I feel like I have been a shadow of me for the past few years and its time for some light. Of course this will not happen over night. It will be some months of planning but after many discussions we decided to do this together. I was talking to Tom telling him that I have been feeling so lost and confused about who I am anymore. I felt a bit like I have been through so much this past few years that I was just not me anymore. He looked at me and said Johanna my car is the same whether I drive it in the rain or the snow. Going through different stuff does not change the car. You are you no matter what you have gone through. You are Ever Improving Me. Leave it to a man to break it down simply using car talk.. *grin*

I understood him though. This was in all of our discussing. I had even told him about giving up on etsy. for the longest he was always telling me how etsy was just a hobby and I was telling him it was more. Well when I talked about giving it up he told me no. I was not going to give it up. He knew I still have the urge to create inside me and I needed to express it. How did I end up with such a wonderful and understanding husband?

Time to take another look at my goals..

I am stepping back a bit and seeing what I want to accomplish, what I have accomplished and what I can accomplish right now. No sense in waiting for the future to better myself.. before you know it the future is the past and its gone. Time to start living.. just have to figure out how. *smiles* I am going to get healthier. I have to if I want to do some of the things in my goal list. Like i can not imagine hiking a 6 month trial right now.. i think i would fall over in the first hour. got to fix that. got to put some things straight again. need to clean my house! If you don't hear from me on etsy you know its because im busy working now and starting school and taking care of myself! I will talk to you all soon though. *hugs*

Im a working girl now woot!!

Training is going well. There is a lot of information but I think it will all make since once we put it to use. I am antsy to get to the phones. Every one else wants to go on and move on up to something else, I just want to do customer service. Im good at customer service. Put me on a phone let me talk to people I will get it figured out...lol.. Did I mention that my training is 7 weeks long? Its in phases so it is kind of interesting. So yall remember the next time you call a customer service rep you just might be talking to me! *grins*

the death of dream..

what does it mean when everything you have worked towards is just not going to be..? there is just no way no how no nothing it is not happening. what do you do? how do you start over? how many start overs do you get? how many dreams die.. im curious..

a friend and i had a dream of having a getaway spa. the type that you go spend a weekend at and just get away from the world. I was going to do massage and she was going to cook. thats kind of out of the picture now.. i have pretty much knocked massage down the drain.. so i need a new dream..

that was only one of the many.. but many of them have also fallen for various reasons.. its about time to do some self introspection and realize some new dreams and goals to work towards.. i hope your dreams all come true..

My first day at my new job!

It was exciting, and head boggling!! Lots of information thrown my way and my head ached at the end of the day. I had to go and buy a new pair of shoes because believe it or not I only owned the one pair that I did massage in. They were a comfy pair of converse sneakers and they are only allowed on casual days now. *sadness* So I got a pair of loafers.

I tried to find some work shirts and I guess I just have no taste because I really do not like any thing stylish. I want plain button down shirts and slacks. Thats me. All those floral shirts give me shudders.. not on other people but on me.. they just are not me.. you know? I fall more in the category of butch hippy I think style wise. That is a hard category to shop for hard to believe I know. I dont like the fake materials. I like cotton shirts sure they wrinkle but they are a hell of a lot cooler than those damn polyester ones.

The day was pretty good. After work I got yarn, a tshirt and a beer *besides the shoes* my friend said i needed to turn in my woman card because i dont like shopping and i only owned one pair of shoes. is that really what it means to be a woman these days? woops i fall way short! i know that is totally a stereotype.. there are a wide variety of women right? I would love to hear what type of woman you are! Me im a crafter, hippy, peacemaking, casual drinking fun loving, nature walking, non smoking stressed out kinda girl.. *laughs*